It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Wiki
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Wiki

Dennis' Erotic Memoirs are a series of short stories written by Dennis Reynolds as supplementary material for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Four chapters were originally posted on the now defunct Paddy's Pub Blog to promote Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life, with the first two chapters appearing as short videos on The Complete Season 4 DVD, narrated by Dennis.

Knight Ride Her[]

It was the devil’s hour, and a companion and I were twelve mugfulls of mead into our journey to Medieval Times. (More accurately — our journey to the themed restaurant known as Medieval Times, located one mile west of Giants Stadium in Lyndhurst, New Jersey.) The lusty barmaid presented me with a thirteenth mug, but my eyes craved the two jugs** imprisoned by her blouse, yearning to be set free.

**Readers note: When I say “jugs” here, I am talking about her breasts.

“Milady,” I asked. “Do not think my advances too forward, but…wouldst thou like to bang?”

She slapped me across the face, hard, and her wedding ring left a heart-shaped bruise. I shrugged, and returned my gaze to the spirited joust taking place on the blood-soaked Astroturf below. The battle was amusing enough, to be sure. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And so, dear readers, does the wang. Thus, my belly full of brandywine and several oversized turkey legs, I stumbled after my maiden fair, hoping all the while that she would let down the drawbridge between me and her quivering chick parts.

I found her in the supply room, refilling mustard jars. There, in the harsh light of a neon non-alcoholic beer sign, I popped my pants off and unsheathed my sword.**

**Readers note: When I say “sword” here, I am talking about my penis.

She did not permit me to get medieval on her ass, and in fact I am not legally permitted to return to Lyndhurst, New Jersey. But the highest law of the land cannot keep my thoughts from traveling there on summer nights, Excalibur in hand.

Cirque du So Laid[]

‘Twas my junior year of high school, and I escorted my sweetheart Virginia (a sadly appropriate name) to the local circus. It was a beautiful night, and naturally I attempted to fingerbang her upon the ferris wheel. When she declined, I took back the funnel cake I had purchased for her and headed into the night to find another fly honey to soothe the savage beast in my pants. Little did I know what (I’d) lay ahead…

The moon was as full as my testicles, and it shone brightly upon two words that would forever change my perception of beauty and love: FREAK SHOW. My curiosity piqued, I pulled back the tent and entered to find myself face-to-three-feet-above-face with a shapely midget. “While you’re down there…” I cooed, and I didn’t need to finish my sentence.

Before I had time to question what was happening, the Bearded Lady waddled up beside me. Her moustache tickled my nose as she lapped the powdered sugar off my lips like a hungry kitten. A hungry kitten with a full beard.

Have you ever done it on a trapeze? Highly recommended.

Every turn under the big top led to another sexual adventure. A woman with no limbs scared me at first, but she was as harmless as she was armless. A clown juggled my balls. The sword swallower lived up to her title. The Siamese twins and I were inseparable.

Oh yeah. I also banged a tiger. That’s right. A tiger.