"Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person" is the ninth episode of the third season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
10:30PM on a Wednesday
Dee introduces The Gang to her new boyfriend—an up-and-coming rapper named Lil' Kevin. When he leaves for the recording studio, Dennis informs Dee that her boyfriend—real name Kevin Gallagher—is retarded. He remembers Kevin attended special needs classes in elementary school. His sister refuses to believe him.
Now, with Dee on a mission to prove her brother wrong, Mac has a pitch for the gang. They need to start their own band, because if a retard can do it and get laid, they certainly should be able to! Dennis mentions he's always had affection for the idea of becoming a rock god, but Mac immediately disses any skills Dennis might have because his music taste is different from the band's musical direction. Dennis protests and reminds all of them that there isn't a single person in the pub with any musical ability whatsoever. Frank, however, is quick to point out that nobody needs musical ability to make it as rock stars in the current world. Mac immediately recruits Frank into the band and Dennis leaves the Gang completely appalled. Mac then invites Frank to take he and Charlie out to buy instruments.
After choosing a guitar based entirely on how he looks when he holds it, Mac is shocked to discover that Charlie can actually play keyboards. Charlie admits its a skill he's had forever and he's always wanted to be onstage. Of course, Charlie would prefer to be behind a curtain on stage, but Mac is already more inspired because someone in the band can actually play an instrument. Frank is about to be arrested for pounding the drums too loudly. Everything is settled when Frank announces he's found the perfect set to buy.
Meanwhile, Dennis shows Dee his elementary school year book where "Special K" appears to be drooling all over himself in his picture. Dee dismisses the evidence because Kevin is only seven years-old in the picture. Dennis antagonizes Dee further when he says she can date whomever she pleases, but she should ask herself if she really likes Kevin or if she's only gold digging a retard. Dee lets it slip that she's picking Kevin up in an hour. This starts a sinister game in which Dennis keeps score in regards to Kevin's normalcy versus Kevin's mental retardation.
- "That's funny, because people who aren't retarded usually drive. Retarded - one, Normal - zero." --Dennis to Sweet Dee
This game continues when Dee takes Dennis with her to her boyfriend's house. When she discovers that Kevin still lives with his mother, it doesn't help his case for "normal." Dennis inflates his score very quickly which frustrates Dee to no end. As the two of them argue over which category has more points, Kevin comes out of his room. Dee and Dennis clam up, uncertain if Kevin overheard the two of them constantly repeating the words "retard", "normal" and numbers associated with each. To break the silence, Dee introduces Dennis as their ride to the studio. Kevin immediately hugs Dennis with what Dennis terms "retard strength." Dennis quite possibly gives retard an additional point silently.
At Frank and Charlie's place, the band is hard at work sounding terrible. A spontaneous band meeting erupts where Frank and Mac determine that practice is for pansies as real rock stars destroy property. Following the logic, if they all deface property the music will come to them. Charlie doesn't want his place busted up, so the decide to take the destruction elsewhere. After demolishing a hotel room, Frank is angry to discover that his credit card was used to secure the room.
Dee watches a cartoon with her boyfriend Lil' Kevin. She stares at him while he laughs loudly and disjointedly at the ensuing childish action on screen. She informs him that his shirt is on backward, but the man dismisses it out of hand. He continues to throw popcorn into his mouth while he laughs. He doesn't bother to swallow before he drinks from his juice box. Dee, horrified, realizes that Lil' Kevin holds the popcorn bowl in a way that would certainly score in Dennis' game. She says to Kevin, "We need to break up."
The band disagrees on the proper costumes to wear on stage. Frank prefers an early sixties Beatles approach that will instill trust in young women's mothers. Mac prefers a Sid Vicious punk approach. Both men wear their preferred costumes while they argue over the name of the band. Frank wants to call the band The Pecan Sandies and claims that the title is a double entendre. Mac dismisses the idea in favor of Chemical Toilet because he thinks it will get them all laid faster.
Charlie rushes out of the office to present their first song dressed as Bob Dylan. The lyrics have the appearance of a page from a coloring book. The song is called "The Nightman". As they perform the song, Frank and Mac are appalled by Charlie's lyrics and claim that the song is too disturbing for the band's artistic direction. Charlie defends the song and sings more of it to convince them that they're missing the meaning.
Mac immediately attempts to recruit Dennis into the band as a new front man. Dennis insists on wearing spandex, believing it will make him a rock god. Frank can't play drums and Mac can't play guitar so practice isn't going very well when Dennis shows up in his costume. Mac hates Dennis' costume, but gives him Charlie's lyrics anyway. Before they can practice with their new front man, Sweet Dee comes into the room and announces that she broke up with Kevin. She claims that her inability to tell if Kevin was retarded or not retarded was too much stress for her to handle. Dennis then announces from the practice stage that Lil' Kevin actually is not retarded. He informs Dee that he was just messing with her. Dee berates Dennis and rushes out to salvage her relationship with Kevin.
Shocked, Mac prompts Dennis for the truth. Dennis tells Mac that Kevin is "totally retarded." Band Practice resumes. Both Frank and Mac are put off by Dennis' glam rock swagger so they kick him out of the band.
Charlie, meanwhile, is holed up in his apartment as he huffs spray paint from a sock and tries to perfect The Nightman. Dennis joins him and insists that they join forces. When Dennis drops the shades to Charlie's window, inspiration strikes them both as they realize the titular "Nightman" in the song needs a "Dayman" to battle within the quickly appearing rock opera. The two of them enthusiastically put together the song for their own band.
Paddy's Pub is the site for the concert where both bands appear on stage. Charlie and Dennis call their band Electric Dream Machine. Both men wear foil, science fiction outfits and Dennis announces to the unusually crowded bar that they will experience "sexual magic." The song that so inspired them before is booed by the crowd. Charlie rushes off of the stage with his dreams completely destroyed.
At the concert, Dee flirts with her boyfriend Kevin and confides that she only broke up with him because of what Dennis told her. Kevin giggles at the prospect of being thought of as retarded. Dee tries to laugh it off with him, but then asks him to his face if he's retarded or not. Kevin isn't amused anymore.
When Chemical Toilet takes the stage, Lil' Kevin takes their spotlight. He kicks Frank and Mac off-stage and is cheered by the bar crowd that recognizes and supports him. Lil' Kevin then performs a free-style rap that he dedicates to Dee. The rap is very insulting to Dee and puts to rest the issue of Kevin's mental illness.
After Kevin calls Dee a "bitch" to her face, Dennis looks thoughtful.
- "I don't think he's retarded." --Dennis to Sweet Dee
- Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
- Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
- Rob McElhenney as Mac
- Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
- Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds
- Kyle Davis as Lil' Kevin
- Judith Drake as Lil' Kevin's Mom
- Nick Toren as Salesman
- In the music store, when Frank is banging on the drums, in the left corner you can see a man standing behind him and holding a camera recorder. (This may be a deliberate, as it might have been part of the scene as a customer in the store recording Frank's antics.)
- The assistant in the music store sells the guitar to Mac as having a "graphite reinforced, 35-inch scale neck." This is an impossibility given that even baritone guitars have only 27-inch scale necks.
- Season 4 episode "The Nightman Cometh" could be considered as some sort of continuation for this one.
- Charlie is shown actually playing a song on the piano. Actor Charlie Day grew up learning piano as both his parents were music teachers.
- It is revealed that Dennis and Dee went to a place called "Waldron" for elementary school. Rob McElhenney went to Waldron Mercy Academy, a private Catholic school in Philadelphia.
From an extended take:
|—||“(about Little Kevin) What if he's an idiot savant?”|
|“What if he's JUST an idiot?”||—|
Lil' Kev's Freestyle Lyrics
- This one's for my girl Dee
- This one's for you, baby WORD
- Yo! Let me tell y'all a story 'bout a girl I knew!
- A broke ass bitch with a gay ass crew
- She said that I was cute, she said that I was funny
- But the honey couldn't stop
- Lookin' at my money
- Busted old lady with a flat tiny ass
- Her body like a skeleton in science class!
- Face beat up by the school of hard Knox
- Hair so fried and bleached with (by) Clorox
- It's like she's skinny and fat in all the wrong places!
- Mothers gotta cover their baby's faces!
- When she walks by, people think she's Godzilla
- Straight outta Compton? Naw, y'all
- Staight outta Thrilla!
- Lookin' like a zombie
- Walkin' like a chicken
- Mouth is fulla shit
- That's why her breatha be stinkin'
- Just one question Dee
- Before ya take yer bow
- Your gravy train's leavin'
- So who's retarded now?
- Nightman, sneaky and mean
- Spider inside my dreams
- I think I love you
- You make me wanna cry
- You make me wanna die
- I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you Nightman
- Every night you come into my room
- And pin me down with your strong arms
- You pin me down and I try to fight you
- You come inside me and you fill me up
- And I become the Nightman...
- (Song resumes after an interruption from Mac and Frank)
- Just two men sharing the night
- It might seem wrong, but it's just right
- It's just two men sharing each other
- It's just two men like lovin' brothers
- One on top and one on bottom
- One inside and one is out
- One is screamin', he's so happy
- One is screamin' a passionate shout
- It's the Nightman
- The feelin' so wrong and right man
- The feelin' so wrong and right man
- I can't fight you man when you come inside me
- And pin me down with your strong hands
- I become the Night...the passionately passionate Nightman.
- Fighter of the Nightman
- Champion of the sun
- You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone
- Dayman (AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH)
- Fighter of the Nightman (AAAAAAAAHHHHHH)
- Champion of the sun (AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH)
- You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone
|Season 3 Episodes|
|1. "The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby"
2. "The Gang Gets Invincible"
3. "Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead"
4. "The Gang Gets Held Hostage"
5. "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo"
6. "The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation"
7. "The Gang Sells Out"
8. "Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire"
| 9. "Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person"
10. "Mac Is a Serial Killer"
11. "Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender"
12. "The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 1)"
13. "The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 2)"
14. "Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City"
15. "The Gang Dances Their Asses Off"